Sunday, June 28, 2020
Five Blank Applications
Five blank applications sit in front of me. For months, Iââ¬â¢ve been telling people the same phrase, symbolizing an entrapping ball and chain, as well as heartbreak: ââ¬Å"Because of the situation with my dad, Iââ¬â¢m staying close to home.â⬠Never mind that University of Wisconsin ââ¬â Parkside doesnââ¬â¢t have my majors and Carthage College is too expensive without a full scholarship. I am supposed to do the reasonable, rational thing here. From the day I set foot in high school, I have been prepped, prodded, and poked to figure out where I would go to college. It should have been fairly simple, considering I knew from the age of nine that I would be a missionary, and soon after I knew that the career I would bring into the mission field was teaching. This is why I entered my freshman year positive that I would be attending Moody Bible Institute. Moody always seemed like the logical choice. Tuition-paid, focused on ministry, available education majors ââ¬â it was perfect. It was also a couple hours away, allowing me to come home occasionally on weekends. However, my junior year, Moody was put on the back burner. I was told the college specialized in pastoral training and wouldnââ¬â¢t be a great choice for a missionary in training. That was the year I was introduced to North Central. I remember going to a college fair where I refused to look at colleges since my heart was still set on Moody. After looking around for the Moody Bible Institute table in vain, I decided to follow a friend around until she stopped at North Central University. After the rep talked to her for a bit, he turned to me. ââ¬Å"And what would you like to do?â⬠His smile was friendly and welcoming, but that didnââ¬â¢t stop me from being rudely dismissive. ââ¬Å"Oh, you wouldnââ¬â¢t have my major. I want to go into mission work.â⬠ââ¬Å"Really? Did you know NCU has the best missions program in the Midwest?â⬠Thatââ¬â¢s where it started, where I fell in love with North Central University. I raved about it for months and researched it rigorously. This excitement continued until my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. That day in the hospital, I resigned to attend inexpensive, close-to-home University of Wisconsin ââ¬â Parkside. Suddenly, it felt like staying with my family was the only option that made sense. The only option I should take. As my senior year approached, everyone kept asking me the big question: ââ¬Å"Where do you plan on attending college?â⬠I always smiled politely and replied, ââ¬Å"Because of the situation with my dad, Iââ¬â¢m staying close to home.â⬠In August, I watched my boyfriend load his car and leave for Liberty University in Virginia, his dream college. As I drove home, I examined my life and everything I was putting on hold ââ¬Å"because of the situation with my dad.â⬠It felt like I was hearing a million different voices: ââ¬Å"Go somewhere inexpensive.â⬠ââ¬Å"Go somewhere close to home.â⬠ââ¬Å"Stay close to your family.â⬠ââ¬Å"Go far away.â⬠ââ¬Å"Get a good education.â⬠In the days after my boyfriend left, I did a lot of thinking. I thought about Parkside, Carthage, Moody, North Central, and Liberty. I debated what I was expected to do, what I needed to do, and what I wanted to do. Now five blank applications sit in front of me, and for the first time since my dadââ¬â¢s diagnosis, I am allowing myself to choose.
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